He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
