How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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