Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
