even my farts smell like vagina
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
