You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
