We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
