I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
