I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
