If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
