When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Enjoy the penises
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
