They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
