I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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