Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
