I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
