yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
