i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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