You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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