she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
