He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
