why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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