im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
