My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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