you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
