Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
