I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
