Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
