Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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