You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
