I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
