first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
