I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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