I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
