I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
