He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
