I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
