I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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