chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Say something about gay babies.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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