i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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