just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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