me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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