we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
