I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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