i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
