We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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