Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
