Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
