Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
