the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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