When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
