Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
